FROM the time I was widowed in 2011, remarriage has been a common topic of conversation with my relatives and peers when my interaction with them turns highly personal. And even in casual meetings, these questions and their variations are common: “O may asawa ka na? (Have you finally got a wife?)” and after a negative answer, the usual follow-up “Kailan mo balak mag-asawa? (When do you plan to get married?).”
And a blunt answer may solicit the comment “Sabagay, maganda
yan para maalagaan mo mga anak mo (Well, that’s good, so you have time to look
after your kids).”
I seem to take it all in stride, unlike some unmarried woman
I know who suffered the same if not worse on such casual remarks about getting
hitched to the point of trying to shun family reunions or school batch
gatherings. I understand there are religious, family and community rules and
expectations surrounding singlehood and widowhood, but it’s my life and only I
know what’s best for me.
Maybe I find contentment in being single again and
unattached. Before my married life, I used to live alone in a rented room in Quezon City,
living independently just after college. So it’s practically just a revert of
my old life, except that I have kids to raise. I am not the typical man that
desperately seeks someone to organize his world, the everyday household tasks,
and even his social life.
But I have this friend, a very close female friend of mine from
high school days, who loves to tease me on my decision not to remarry, especially
when she senses, after a brief komustahan, that I have somehow complaints in
life. She would remark emphatically: “Mag-asawa ka na kasi (Why not get
married). To stop the conversation, I would just answer “Darating din ako dyan
(I’ll get there soon)” and she would add “Kailan? (When?)” In our last
conversation this year, just to make her stop pestering me, I told her that I
finally decided to get married again and starting the day after our meeting
will be the Day One of my serious search of a lifetime partner. And she reminded me that “day one” is better than “one day” and added with full energy “Go! Go!”
My
Day One turns into many days, a week, a month, and without making it happen. Then the impatient “Meron na ba” and “Kailan?” reverberated into the next meeting with her.
But when is exactly the Day One for a goal to get hitched
again?
I’ve read from an article of a news website that it usually
does not take long for widowers to remarry. A University of Pennsylvania sociologist
found the average time frame for widowers who remarry is about two-and-a-half
years. For widows, it’s three to five years. This validates the stereotypes
that men date sooner and remarry more quickly than women do.
Having widowed for the past six years means I am way past the average time frame. Honestly, for that span of years remarriage never occurred to me. Perhaps I think more of the welfare of my young children than my own. Or perhaps the state of resiliency in the face of tragedy plays into this as well. And a rapid decision to remarry, may result in hurt and hard feelings within our family. My mother-in-law confided to me that she cried when she saw me in her dreams having got a new wife. That’s understandable. Or perhaps I must be sure that I am not trying to replace my former spouse with just another warm body, so I have a higher set of standards.
But for me is the readiness and the time when I have
moved on with the tragic loss, and I think that I already did, though the big
loss remains a big scar that reminds me of the pain the past brings. I no longer
grapple with overwhelming distress of never seeing our family complete for the rest
of our lives. I removed my wedding ring from my finger, well, only just a year
ago. That took me six months to do it because I promised to my wife that I raise my
right hand with the wedding ring on when I take my oath as a lawyer. But I didn’t
pass the bar and I no longer have the time to retake it.
And, I have to think of my three kids, who are all in their
teenage years now. I’m not sure if they are ready to accept a new wife for
their daddy. I haven’t talked to my kids about this because it’s nothing to
talk about because before today, I haven’t gone looking for a new wife.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll start saying “hi” with my most charming smile with new, young and pretty officemates or neighbors, or started chatting and greeting with single FB friends on messengers, or maybe give an ex a buzz. I haven’t done flirting since I got married, and maybe I just need a big burst of initial energy to start things right again. And maybe it will take a longer time to get there, but, with focus, sooner or later, I can have that someone who is just nice to be around. And I think I may have found one, and then maybe the kids will like her.
And maybe now is Day One to embark on the pursuit of a worthwhile goal. I know Rome wasn’t built in a day, but they did start the construction with a Day One.
