A “NEW NORMAL” HOLIDAY

Christmas Tree 2010

I DID not display any Christmas ornaments in my house this year, just like the last. And my kids were not asking me why. Only once did my nine-year-old daughter mention about putting up our old Christmas tree at its usual corner in the living room, but it was not a question of why I wasn’t doing it, but it was rather a reminder, or maybe a command, for me to obey.

It was just a week before December and Roseya thought I’ve easily forgotten what our family has loved doing at this time of the year. She missed the whole family tradition of preparing for Christmas, such as decorating the tree while playing Christmas CD’s—Paskong Pinoy and Jose Mari Chan’s Christmas album were all-time favorites. It was a wonderful time together as a family. She has been looking forward to setting up the little star or an angel on top of the tree, all decked out in its Christmas finery.


Last year, it was our first Christmas without her mom. I couldn’t bring myself to open the box of Christmas decors. Well, it was just too painful to think about celebrating and putting everything up pretty and twinkling, without her. Having a brightly-lit tree as main feature of our decorations had always been her idea. The tree seems to be solidifying us as a family and bringing us a reason to cheer for the season with the beautifully wrapped gifts underneath the tree, which would remain unwrapped until the 31st, giving the kids a lot of excitement and anticipation.


I still have Roseya and her two brothers who are looking forward to celebrating the Christmas. I have already discussed with my children why we have no Christmas tree and all lights and glitz and glimmer at home. And they no longer asked me this time. My daughter’s question two weeks before Christmas was the only exception. Memories about and with their mom remain to be a touchy subject.

How will we celebrate Christmas when my wife won’t be there anymore to fill her role in our family tradition? This is the very question that we have to face at some point during our grief journey. It is the warmth and love of my wife that made every holiday season so memorable. So it was a painful experience to celebrate it without her. The holiday seems hollow and meaningless without her sharing it with us.

So last year, we decided to do something a bit different. And they agreed. We had to keep ourselves busy and not to isolate ourselves in spite the gloom that we still felt that time. We packed ourselves and headed to Ilocos to spend the holiday with their grandparents (my parents), aunts, uncles, and cousins. We return not to our home in Bulacan, but to my in-laws in Malate just in time to celebrate New Year’s Eve. It’s so nice to be with people who are hugely supportive of our family. And also that year, we started skipping two of our usual Christmas activities before our loss, going to Star City and watching a movie at the Metro Manila Filmfest.

This year we only stayed at home in Bulacan on Christmas Eve. But this time, my three sisters joined us in the celebration. My youngest sister, Mahren, who has been living with her own family in another house, just a block from my house, played host to our get-together for the noche buena. And on the 26th, I brought my kids to their grandmother’s place in Malate. We will be staying here until the New Year.

It’s true, Christmas is not all jingle bells, especially for the grieving. Some people may want to hide, or close their eyes and not wake up till January 2. Some would wish they had a magic wand to make the holiday better. They are eager for the holiday to pass because they feel they have little to celebrate this year.

Losses have changed things for some families. Whenever I read of incidents of loss from family tragedies and disasters, I’m left downcast for a moment.

Remember the families of hundreds of people who perished during the flashflood caused by Typhoon Pablo in Mindanao early this year; the families of the children in New Town, Connecticut, USA, who were felled by bullets from a crazy gunman; and recently, the victims of a big fire in Quezon City. You can just imagine how they cope with the thoughts, feelings, smells, rituals and traditions of the holiday season, and all around them were signs of life interrupted. Just like us, they need to grieve and work through the pain.

I don’t know how long it will take me to bring out the old Christmas tree back into its old place in the living room. But for now, my kids and I have to do away with high expectations for ourselves. We rather have to find our new “normal,” especially when it comes to celebrating the holiday. We would learn whatever it is we needed to do in times like this. The Christmas tree, and colorful decors and carols are just part of the tradition, not the reason for it.

More importantly, we need some prayers. As they say, ‘tis the reason for the season, after all.

Christmas at Ilocos, 2011