NOT NOW, BUT SOME OTHER TIME

"I'm not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens" - Woody Allen

IT almost happened to me. And I wouldn’t have lived to tell this one.

It was safe to cross the street just after I alighted from an FX taxi, so I thought. I dashed forward to cross the three-lane street towards the center island. Suddenly, a speeding gray SUV came towards my blind side, almost sideswiping me that instant. As if a bullet had just zinged past through me!

What if it happened? I shuddered at the thought of seeing myself lying lifeless on the busy street. Who would look after my mangled body? Who would tell my family about it? Would bystanders bother to look at my mobile phone’s phone book and call my wife or any of my friends? My ID wasn’t even in my wallet! That made my whole body cold as soon as I reached the island.

Then it came to my mind what happened to one of the graphic artists in the publishing house where I work. Early this year he was ran over by a truck near his place in Malabon. I pitied the guy. He was only in mid-30s, had a good career and great plans for his life. He died after a few days in a hospital due to serious internal injuries. And I couldn’t imagine myself having to suffer the same fate as his.

Death is like a thief in the night, and everyone must be aware of it, be alert and ready for the inevitable. But at that instant, I don’t think I am ready to die. And with that I am afraid. Honestly! Maybe when I was younger, when I had this clumsy belief that I was treading on a hopeless and unmanaged life. I had nothing to lose then and I was not actually afraid to die. But things are different now. I have my own family who looks up to me for support.

No, I don’t believe that death is a big unknown, a dismal abyss. It is rather a destination, an eventuality. My religion had given me noble thoughts about it, that beyond this life, there is a perfect place for each one of us as God had promised. But why I am afraid of death now? Yes, indeed, but I have my reasons:

1. Like most family men, I am more concerned with leaving those I love behind, than any painful death I could imagine for myself. I know I can’t be with them forever, but it’s too early at this stage to leave them!
2. And like most people who have high hopes in life, I have plans or dreams that I wish to accomplish before I expire.
3. I couldn’t imagine my three young children dealing with such harsh reality as death in the family. They say children have a degree of “magical thinking,” or they have this capacity to believe that a person who has died will come back and is not really dead. But missing their father so much before bedtime may erase that magic.
4. I don’t want to leave my wife and my kids grieving and financially insecure. I am afraid that with my little earnings, none will remain after paying for my funeral and settling all my debts. I would not like to fail them in death. Kaya huwag muna.

Now, do I have good reasons to hang on to dear life? Of course, I have good reasons to be extra careful in crossing that busy street again.