GOD answers prayers. I know this, and I believe it. Yet, there have been times in my life when it felt as though He simply did not respond to my deepest requests. Even when I do believe He has answered a prayer, I sometimes find myself wondering if it was truly what I asked for, especially when that very answer turns out to be painful down the road.
That is exactly how I felt when I was dismissed from a premier law school due to a grade deficiency. I found myself questioning everything: If qualifying for the college of law was an answered prayer meant to give me a better career, a greater chance to help others, and a brighter future for my family, why did He allow me to fail? Why did God take back the opportunity He had so graciously given me?
It would be easy to conclude that what went wrong was entirely my fault—that I didn’t study hard enough, that law school wasn't my strong suit, or that I simply didn't want it badly enough. But for every academic struggle I faced, I consistently sought God’s help and guidance. During the tense deliberation of my case by the appeals committee, I prayed fervently. I even made a covenant with God, promising to dedicate myself to serving His church—a familiar bargain I often strike when backed into a dead corner.
But I lost. The committee refused to give me a second chance. I became the chaff—the one who fell short of the standard of excellence—separated from the grains of deserving scholars. In the wake of that loss, I began to deeply ponder how prayer truly works, and how it can strengthen our relationship with God regardless of whether we receive the answers we expect.
It is easy to bitterly conclude that God simply did not hear my prayers. But that would be unfair to Him. In reality, I was the one being unfair. I was treating Him like a tool, praying to the effect of: "Lord, You gave me this chance, so You should be here for me. I need You, so please make this happen." What if I had uttered instead: "Lord, here I am. Do whatever You want me to do. Thy will be done." Would that surrender have made a profound difference?
Winners and Losers
This struggle with unmet expectations isn’t unique to my academic life; I see this same transactional view of prayer everywhere, even when I turn on the television to watch a basketball game.
Every time I watch a game, I notice that players making the sign of the cross—either before a play or after a successful shot—are as common as the referee whistles blowing for on-court violations. Athletes from opposing teams all pray to the very same God. When one side begs, "Lord, help us win this game," and their opponents pray for the exact same outcome, to whom does God listen? When a team triumphs, the victors raise their arms in hallelujahs to the Lord, while the losers are left to contemplate why they were denied divine intervention.
Our world is highly polarized into winners and losers across every field and walk of life. Yet, no one can truly declare whether a person has won or lost it all in the grand scheme of things. Looking back, whenever I failed in an undertaking, when self-reliance finally ran out, or missed a golden opportunity, my immediate reaction was to think my prayers had gone unheard. Perhaps I lacked a deeper, more mature relationship with God. In those moments, I felt I had no choice but to wait for another round, and then another. I have never considered myself overly religious, but through it all, I have never stopped praying.
Lessons from Job
I do not believe that the misfortunes we endure are forms of punishment from an all-powerful, benevolent God. Nor do I subscribe to a purely clinical worldview where suffering is merely a direct, mechanical reaction to our own mistakes. In the Bible, Job was not being punished when he lost his children and all his material possessions. Job was a righteous man, deeply faithful to God. His story confirms that the tragedies, hardships, and suffering of this world are often far beyond our human understanding. God loved Job, yet He allowed him to be tested.
God is under no obligation to say "yes" to our every prayer—which is honestly a blessing, considering some of the short-sighted things we ask for. Sometimes, He is testing us. Other times, possessed of a far greater wisdom and foresight than we could ever comprehend, He says "no" to our most profound requests.
But a "no" does not mean we stop seeking Him. If time passes and we still cannot see the fruit of our prayers, we are allowed to ask God why. We can persist in our questioning if we do not understand or agree with His answer. If we persist, God will meet us in our grief, giving us a peace and understanding that surpasses the need for logical answers
This understanding is only possible through constant, unceasing prayer. When light finally breaks, we will realize that God did hear us all along, and that He has done far more for us than we ever could have thought to ask. Had I realized this truth earlier, I would not have spent so much time griping during those trying chapters of my life.
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