REVISITING GOALS

MORE that sixteen years ago, I saw myself as a rudderless ship carried away by the waves in a turbulent sea.

I felt so alone in my rented room in Roxas District (Quezon City). I had been in bed for the whole day, sick with fever, and had been worrying that my money wouldn’t last me a week, and bothered by a call of help from my younger sister who was in dire need of a big amount to pay a school requirement. My low salary as a proofreader of a publishing house couldn’t give me or my family any satisfaction.

I couldn’t sleep. I felt I was caught in an arid area, the middle of where I was and where I wanted to be.  

Something inside me demanded a change, yearning to have a more positive and present life. I needed to live my life differently. I knew a lot of things about the life I was living would have to change. So what do I want to do? What would I do beyond working, eating, dreaming? Someday, my time on earth will end. Before I die, what I really want to accomplish? What would I do beyond working, eating, dreaming?

As if in a cue, I rose from bed, got hold of my pen, tore up a page of my notebook, and wrote the word in big letters: GOALS. There were so many other things, big and small, that I really wanted to do. So I must begin working towards achieving them instead of just vaguely thinking, “Someday...” or “I wish…”   

I started writing what could be a map or a plot for my route ahead. I’d expected that this would bring me to the direction of where I want to be. It would be my guide, my personal instructions of hanging on. 

So I wrote this list in 1995.

Immediate Goals:

1.      To finish my masteral degree by age 26.

2.      To see Nove (my sister) finished her college education by March 2000.

3.      To get married between 1997 and 1998.

4.      To be a college instructor before the age of 28.

5.      To own a house before the age of 30.

6.      To see my parents happy in their retirement years by giving them capital for business before I turned 30.

7.      To be able to write an Iluko novel before the age of 26.

8.      To be able to write stories and poems for English magazines before the age of 26.

9.      To write a book (any topic of general interest) before I reach 35.

Lifetime Goals:

1.      To buy back the TV set that we sold to Abat (our neighbor).

2.      To maintain my correspondence with my present pen friends.

3.      To own a camera and be a professional photo essayist.

4.      To travel around Europe.

5.      To be an elected government official.

So what I constructed was some sort of motivational “to-do” list for myself, and each item has real, personal significance. See I made this long before bucket list or Internet blog sites that make a list of things to do before you die have become a fad. After I wrote my own list, it stayed on my personal files, inserted particularly in my short-lived diary. It had practically reminded me that I was in control of my life. It had become my life's turning point, a single moment of self-realization.

But then, I got busy, tied up with more immediate concerns, and my goals become less and less relevant to my life. I got married, started a family, and had been transferred to different jobs.

My list was buried deeper into my files, and I was only able to read it once or twice in the past. And the last time that I retrieved it was when I was sorting out my personal things after that life-changing experience that I had last year.

Fast forward to present, did I achieve these goals or any of them? Has my life improved or better than 16 years ago?

Now I started crossing off the items that I have achieved so far. Here’s the update of my list: I got married in 1996, or a year earlier than my plan. I was enrolled in PUP Graduate School but I dropped out after two semesters to focus on establishing my own family. For lack of post-grad degree I was never qualified as a college instructor.  

My sister graduated from college in 1999, and after some years of working in different companies, she decided to enroll in another course, this time an Accounting degree. She graduated last year and passed the CPA board.  

I bought a house on a loan when I was 34. And, yes, I had my first Ilocano novel published in Bannawag magazine and had some of my poems appeared in English magazines and literary websites. I haven’t got a book of general interest published under my name, but I have self-published an anthology of my short stories published in Bannawag before I turned 30. I failed to give my parents their capital for a possible business, but right now, with the help of my siblings, they are very happy in their life as senior citizens. 

For the list of my lifetime goals, I only realized just now that it was incomplete or did not actually tell so much about the things I really wanted to achieve in my lifetime. Anyway, from those that I had listed here, only one is no longer possible to achieve. This was my aim (my obsession, actually) to buy back the TV set which was given to a neighbor as security for my father’s loan. About the time I have the money to buy it, the TV was already unusable.

I have three pen friends when I wrote the list. With e-mails, SMS, Facebook and other social networking sites, correspondence is always a possibility. One of my pen friends, now a teacher living in Las Piñas, is my Facebook friend and still sending me messages regularly to my cell phone. The other one, whom I regularly see when she stayed in Manila for a time, is now married and staying with her family in Ilocos. And my dream to travel Europe, to be a photo essayist (or journalist) and be an elected official can still be a possibility (though, I no longer see myself entering politics).

Should I make another list? With my age, I can only think of my intentions, not just wishes. No matter what, this is MY life now. I could only think of what I achieved and try to live it positively. Failures are in the past tense, so they better remain as such, and they can only be a good source of wisdom and even inspiration.

THE LAST VISITA IGLESIA

MY family had only one Visita Iglesia, a Holy Week tradition which literally means church visit, that it joined, and it was our first and surely the last one we had as one complete family. Before this I never attended any of this Catholic tradition of visiting churches during the Lenten season. 

It was Holy Thursday of 2010. I remember the excitement of my wife. She had rarely done this religious event during her younger years, though she had wanted so much to do this every year. And now she was glad that, finally, she would be doing it again with her own family.

It was a perfect timing for the family. A year before, we had a terrific vacation in Ilocos Sur for the Lenten break. We had lots of fun joining family reunions, swimming and picnics in the beach, and we even went as far as Bangui (to see the giant windmills) and Pagudpud, both in Ilocos Norte. So when my wife suggested this religious activity to my kids, she didn’t need to employ any convincing charm for them. My kids in fact were very curious to know how this summer event is carried out. My wife explained to them the significance of this “journey” marked by prayer and sharing, silence and fasting, which is usually done on Holy Thursday. Seven churches are visited with two stations per visit. (Some would visit 14 churches for this activity.) So my wife had really expected that this one, our very first Visita Iglesia, would provide great opportunities for my family to quietly enjoy some kind of vacation or tour and also to have time to perform a religious duty. And she suggested that we could do this every year.

I know that my wife wanted this pilgrimage so badly because of her condition. She had a stage 2 breast cancer, an illness that she didn’t want to disclose to my kids, and even to her friends, because she believed she could still be healed, with her endless hope and deepest prayers to the Lord. She felt the need to visit various miraculous churches to pray for healing, and that she wanted her family to pray with her. 

I planned the route, so days before the Holy Thursday, I got myself busy searching the Internet for the seven churches to visit (see, it was my first time to do this). I have to consider the distance between the churches and the travel time to transfer from one church to another. I even consulted some of my friends for this. Dudoy was more excited to see the churches, especially old or Spanish-era churches that were included in our itinerary. I promised to give him and his siblings some historical and cultural perspective of these churches.

We thought of hiring a van. Another family had agreed to join us and share with the rent, but the driver of the van whom we approached days before was not available for Holy Thursday. So it was just our family that went out that day.

My wife had lived with her family in one of the neighborhoods around the Old Manila area, which is our destination. The places, particularly the churches, were at least familiar to her. 

It was a typical summer with scorching heat of the sun, so we made sure, before we left Bulacan, that we had comfortable clothes, shades, umbrella, hats, drinking water, and hand towels. 

1st Station – Binondo Church     

This church stands majestically inside Manila’s Chinatown in Binondo District. It was named the Minor Basilica of San Lorenzo Ruiz in honor of the first Filipino saint who lived and grew up in Binondo. I always pass this church whenever I go to Divisoria either to hunt for cheap goods or to visit my relatives in Tondo. But it was my first time to enter the church.

2nd Station – Manila Cathedral

The Cathedral, or Basilica of the Immaculate Conception, is located inside the Intramuros district. It is the seat of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Manila. Its imposing facade and huge dome are very visible even from the distance. It also has a grandiose view outside the church.

3rd Station – San Agustin Church

San Agustin Church (Immaculate Conception Parish), despite its modern outlook, is one of the oldest churches still standing in the Philippines. This UNESCO World Heritage Site church is just a walking distance from the cathedral.

  

4th Station – St. Jude

The church was named St. Jude Thaddeus Archdiocesan Shrine. Saint Jude, cousin and apostle of Jesus Christ, is known as the patron of desperate cases. So there are always a number of devotees that flock the church every Thursday, most of them students who go to this church especially before final exams or a very crucial board examination.

5th Station – San Miguel Church

This is the National Shrine of St. Michael and the Archangels. It was our first time to visit the church and the kids were thrilled to know that they were treading this part of Malacañang. Inside the church, you can see the altar mounted with the crucifixion scene with the seven archangels having their own statue one on each post. There is also a big 12-foot bronze statue of St. Michael defeating a serpent, the symbol of Lucifer.

6th Station – San Sebastian Church

My wife was born and raised in Malate, Manila, and it was very strange that she has not been inside San Sebastian Church (Basilica Minore de San Sebastian) before this visit. So she and the kids were very excited to enter this historical church world-renowned for its wonderful architectural design and structure (made of steel). The ceiling inside the church was the highest one that I have ever seen so far.   

7th Station – Quiapo Church

The Quiapo Church (Minor Basilica of the Black Nazarene) was an automatic next stop because of its short distance from San Sebastian. It was the church that I frequently passed on my way to school, office or home. But I only attended a mass here once or twice with my wife during our early years of marriage. The church for me is always crowded, and so with the surrounding area, being one of the centers of commerce for lowly folks in the metropolis. Among the seven churches that we visited, this last stop was the hardest to accomplish because of the multitude of people also doing the Visita, and by that time, my wife and kids had become so tired and hungry.

THE year after, or in April 2011, we failed to go on a Visita Iglesia as we had planned because of my wife's worsening condition. In the succeeding months we went on a pilgrimage to the Shrine of the Divine Mercy in our place in Marilao, Bulacan. And it was the last church that we visited. Our visit there in July of the same year was our last as one complete family, because in that same month we rushed her to the hospital, and she died after two weeks because of a complication of her illness.