But I thought of staying home and rather be left alone only for this day. I just wanted to meditate, and to reach her. Or, perhaps, to forget everything if I could. If only for today.
I can’t help but look back to those years we spent together, especially on special occasions like her birthday. Did I make her happy? Did we have special times together? I admit that I committed my share of some laxity to our relationship. It may be plain absent-mindedness on my part, or may be the lack of means and time. But I always love my wife. I always will. Now I understand what they have always been saying: “You only love the person more when he or she is gone.”
But I have to work in the office today, and the kids have to go to school. And this morning I talked with them and had to explain that their Mom may not be around anymore and we might not be celebrating her birthday as we did before, but we know deep in our heart that we always remember her.
While browsing my file weeks after the burial in August I stumbled upon this letter I wrote for her during her birthday exactly seven years ago. It was purposely unsent because it was part of my journal then. I felt a sharp pang of regret for not giving her the chance to read it. Well, reading it now, it provides me a glimpse or a touching episode of our past together.
November 28, 2004
Dear Rosalie,
It’s your 32nd birthday today, and it’s my 9th year to greet you personally in your most special day. Why, of course, in that span of time, we never had a special or I should say, extraordinary celebration, other than those warm kisses we would have early in the morning, watching movie and dining out together, and giving you simple gifts. I couldn’t think of a different or more special way beyond my means—no extravagant trip to Hong Kong or Boracay, no shopping spree in Glorietta or in Bangkok, no diamonds and golden bracelets, no song and dance numbers, no circus. But two days before, I thought of buying you this time a potted plant, perhaps a white rose or an orchid, or any ornamental plant that you can nurture every day. I thought also of giving you this potted plant along with a fashionable T-shirt or blouse, which I have never done in your previous birthdays. Remember last year, I gave you a Shoemart gift check worth P1,000 (now you may call that lack of creativity!)? And I let you—in fact, I accompanied you—buy the things you wanted with it. But the problem is, I don’t have extra money now to buy you some special gift. It’s two days short of the pay day, and I only got P20 and a loose change from the P2,000 I borrowed from my sister May, which I had used to pay for my application fee for the LAE [an entrance exam for freshmen at UP College of Law].
I didn’t have the time to go to a department store in EDSA or even in nearby Carriedo Street from my work because days before that, I had been cramming in my review for the entrance exam. And worse, the date of the examination coincides with your birthday today. So please understand why I have to be away from the special lunch you prepared for our visitors from Malate, Ate Tess and Nanay, and my brother Milton who came over from Sampaloc [Manila] to cook my favorite dish dinakdakan. So while you were eating then, I was wracking my rather rusty brain to solve a barrage of difficult questions from the exams, especially problem solving, and abstract and logical reasoning. But I have been thinking that an exam like this coinciding with your special day would, like the proper alignment of the stars, augur a better fortune for both of us.
I’m very sorry if I couldn’t give you a special present for this occasion. I’ll just make up soon, perhaps, this Christmas or on our wedding anniversary on December 30. Happy birthday, sweetheart!
NEYO
My wife didn’t reach her 39th birthday today. Knowing her condition then, I had been saving for a trip out of town, or to a place of her choice, for just the two of us. But it’s too late now. I already had spent the money I saved for our children’s needs. I had also stopped writing for my journal since middle of 2005, and now those loose pages had become part of a memento that could easily bring those fond memories of my life and that of my kids with her.
I passed the LAE, and enrolled at UP in June 2005 but had to transfer to another school after the first semester. I should have stopped after my short and dismal stint in the premier university, but it was my wife who urged me to continue my studies. Now I am into my last semester before I earned my law degree, but it’s very sad that my wife is no longer here to see me receive my diploma next year. But I know she would gladly wait that day, wherever she is right now. And having thought of this, when I say “Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!” I know she would gladly accept that in spite of my shortcomings.
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